You're never too old.

We turn now from our coverage of the worlds most famous toy to the world's most famous woman (in 1991--not sure how she ranks now, but she's still a hell of a lot higher than me, so let's continue...), who is also a personal hero of mine. So why do I keep hearing this?

"Madonna is too old. She has to retire."

Let me get one thing straight. If there is a dearth of virgins in the world it’s not because of Madonna’s pop culture influence. It’s because she personally drinks their blood and grinds their bones into an age defying skin cream.

There’s no other explanation.

But here’s the thing: It works.  You can go ahead and tell us it’s tacky for a fifty four year old woman to dress up as a majorette and hurl passive aggressive insults at her successors, but first find me someone half that age who can do this for two hours a night:

Of course, it isn’t just that. Madonna insists on acting fit and sexy. Didn’t anyone tell her that women over fifty are meant to shrivel up and disappear?

 Aw, it thinks its people.

And it’s not like she’s exposing herself at the Superbowl where millions of children might be watching. This in a stadium filled with people who paid hundreds of dollars to see Madonna act like Madonna.

You know the one.

Now, you may remember a time before Madonna ruled the world. I, for one, was not yet born, but it seems to me that the concept of a female artist expressing herself sexually is no longer that shocking. In fact, it seems like its basically par for the course these days. Madonna tested the boundaries by exceeding them, so that every artist who comes along now seems like they're just treading the same old path. Its not as risky as it was. In fact, now it's expected.

Well  Mo’s having the same effect on ageism. People first started saying she was past her prime in her late thirties. When she chugged past forty the insults got serious and now they’re just plain ugly. But here’s the thing: Mariah Carey was 38 when she released “Touch My Body”—the same age Madge was at when people started thinking she was too old for pop. Jennifer Lopez is now 43 and the lynch mob has been surprisingly quiet as keeps on being a sex symbol. Gwen Stefani, likewise is 43 and no one question her right to ask whether she’s “Looking Hot”. These ladies owe Madonna a big sloppy wet kiss. As with her sexuality, the public heaps all its abuse on the first one, and then lets everyone else get a free pass.

 And lets not even mention the men. Madonna is younger than Prince, Springsteen, The Rolling Stones and the rest of the legacy acts, but she's the only one with a loud chorus of people telling her to move on. Dare I state the obvious?

It's because she's a woman, plain and simple.

I’m pretty sure Madonna knows this, so she has to go above and beyond to show off how fit she is, to remind everyone that she has as much a right to be here as anyone else.

I blame you, America.